How to Find or Fix a Relationship: Hold the Vision. Let Go

published by Open Exchange Magazine, April/May/June 2008 Issue

How do we really attract something we want? How do we let go of something that isn’t working well? To make it even more complicated, consider the typical relationship dilemma in which we need to let go of a relationship that isn’t working or didn’t work, and then make ourselves ready for a new one—and then find that new person?!! The answer is to hold the vision and also detach. This may sound like conflicting advice, so let’s explore further.

Books and movies like “The Secret” and “What the Bleep Do We Know” have been very helpful in our emerging spiritual evolution to bring about understanding of the way our thoughts, words and actions create our reality. However often in our zeal to create our reality with positive thoughts, the complexity of the way these energies work is not fully understood.

Tamara doesn’t really want a serious relationship, as she is busy with work, great friends and exciting travel. Out of curiosity she comes to see me to ask about several men she’s met in her office building who are actively pursuing her. Lynette spends fifteen minutes every morning meditating and doing positive affirmations about finding her soul mate. She has an altar devoted to love and partnership in the relationship corner of her bedroom. She goes to singles events every weekend and asks her friends to set up dates for her. She has been single since her last break up a year ago and is feeling hopeless about ever meeting anyone.

Tamara is drawing potential partners into her space because she is detached from the need for one. She is actively engaged in living a full life that sends out a positive vibrational message which attracts various possibilities that she might not be actively affirming. She has processed the painful feelings of her past relationships fairly well so her emotional vibration is reasonably clear. If she changes her intention toward the idea of having a relationship and continues to still hold her vibration of detachment from need, it is likely she will choose one of these suitors and begin a satisfying relationship.

By contrast, Lynette is still angry and hurt about her past breakup. She says she wants a new relationship but a part of her still wishes her old partner would return. She believes she is not really worthy of being with someone but at the same time believes a relationship would make her happy and all her other problems would disappear if Prince Charming, Soul Mate Extraordinaire would show up. Most of us carry a bit of the Tracy energy within us. Our culture promotes the idea that Life Will be Perfect When We Have True Love through advertising, films and fairy tales, so I’m not meaning to criticize her feelings at all. However, when someone seems to be doing all the right things, and it isn’t working, then it will be helpful to either look at the subconscious energies, unprocessed emotions, and conflicting beliefs—or simply be patient and trust in life’s perfect timing.

Looking at the energies and emotions can be done in psychotherapy or other healing processes or you can work on the healing process by yourself. The following steps can be done once or (more likely) many times moving toward greater awareness. They can be done separately at different times or if you feel ready they can be done at the same time.

Examine and observe your true feelings. Try not to demonize or repress the unpleasant feelings like hurt or anger or try to move too quickly to forgiveness or happiness. Give yourself time and space to breathe into your body and notice exactly how you actually feel, without trying to change anything. You might notice tightness in your body as you breathe into the stronger feelings, and you might notice the sensations change as you stay with the breath and observe the feelings.

Consider your goal in the broadest possible terms and hold the vision for that energy to be part of your reality: In this case we are talking about holding the vision of having partnered love, but this process can be used to envision other essential qualities, such as financial comfort, freedom, spiritual connection, etc. Use the breath to imagine drawing that energy to you. Feel yourself surrounded by the energy of what you want, and allow yourself to feel feelings such as contentment and peace you might feel in response to that energy.

Now let go. Let go of attachment to the outcome and the details of how this is supposed to show up in your life. Let go of your need to have this energy you are affirming. Notice how you feel about letting go of the attachment---which might take you back to point #1 where you observe your true feelings.

If your goal is to release an old relationship and draw a new loving partner into your life, your process might include feeling the feelings of loss, pain and anger about the old relationship, feeling fear of never finding a new person or feelings of not deserving the kind of relationship you really want. The vision would be to feel what it’s like to fully let go of the old relationship, and then to feel the new relationship energy with you. The letting go process would be to feel what it’s like to let go of the outcome, the timing and the details. Some of us need to fully accept and enjoy singleness to manifest a really great partnership, while others don’t seem to have that much work to do on this type of relationship issue. Everyone is different. However, by releasing attachment of any level, you are likely to find yourself feeling freer and lighter and I believe you are much more likely to experience life in a positive enjoyable way—and to have the preferred results.

Janine experienced this exact result recently. She met a man on vacation in Spain last year and has continued to write to him, feeling he is her perfect match. She is willing to relocate to Spain, but he feels the distance is an insurmountable problem and insisted they be friends only. Now she will be going to Italy on a work assignment and had asked him to join her there for a couple of days to explore their relationship. He had shared with her various reasons for why he probably wouldn’t visit her there.

Over several months, she did some deep work around her heart issues including feeling criticized and abandoned by her mother, which led to looking at whether she truly believed she deserved a good relationship. She began dating other men, while continuing the long distance “friends only” email relationship. Last week a friend asked her if she was going to see this man when she was in Italy, and she said “I don’t have a clue.” When those words left her lips she knew there was something different in her attitude. She knew deeply she really didn’t have a clue and wasn’t trying to figure it out or make it happen anymore. Previously she would have said “well I really hope so and I’ve been asking him and he hasn’t exactly responded yet and I know he really is the one…..” But in this moment of not having a clue, she realized she had truly let go of the outcome and was willing to sit in the place of not knowing with some inner peace. The next morning he emailed her that he was checking flights and by mid day he had booked the flight to meet with her.

Sometimes we experience something like “an inner click” when we let go. Sometimes the process of letting go is a slow one, where we wake up one day to realize we haven’t wanted this goal for many months. Often true letting go feels like changing our mind or truly not caring at all. Detachment is a very deep feeling. We cannot trick the Universe and pretend to detach when really we’re still holding on, our fingers crossed behind our back and three Aces hidden up our sleeve.

When we hold the vision, we hold it in our heart. There is a feeling of peace, joy, love and high intention surrounding the vision. We only want what is truly right for us and those around us. Through the mundane issue of relationship we have an opportunity to clear emotional and karmic energies and to deepen our spiritual understanding. What a gift!

Hold the Vision. Let Go.